Yesterday, my friend sent me some great notes on how to make the script better. One of his suggestions was that the cutaway scenes with Perry and Martin are too long. He recommends shortening them to about thirty seconds of screen time for the joke to be effective. And the other point was there isn’t enough of the protagonist. So far, Sam, who is the lead, is barely in the screenplay.
I agree with him on both counts. I may ultimately decide to keep the length of the Perry and Martin scenes, but as a cutaway, they don’t work. I’ll probably end up writing it both ways and see what I like best. He also suggested Sam’s struggle needs to be greater and gave me some examples.
I’m going to take the notes with me to the rewrites. I don’t want to go back and start fixing things already. I vaguely remember rewriting the same scenes dozens of times for the writing group (the same one he was in) and never moving forward. I’m trying to break that trap.
Below isn’t déjà vu but our first plot point. Sam has already dropped the money off at the weird drop off point. He’s about to get another call asking him for the money….again.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Against a black screen a telephone rings.
There is a rustling sound in the darkness.
The phone is answered.
Where the fuck is our money?
You fucking heard me. Where the fuck the money?
Sam turns on the light.
Are you fucking with me? Who is this?
It’s Martin. I’m calling for Jimmy. He wants his money.
Look, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but it’s three in the fucking morning and I have to work tomorrow. Don’t fucking bother me again.
Sam hangs up.