Pages twenty-six through twenty-nine.

I’m not finished with the following scene, but there is a lot to it. It’s been a hard one for me to write. I think this is my fourth rewrite of it already. I play a lot of poker and I know all the subtleties of it and I keep wanting to include that in the script. But that’s a big no-no. The more complex you make a script, the worse it becomes. You don’t want to include what a character is thinking or feeling, but what his actions are. You also don’t want to include what the screenwriter is trying to convey with exposition. You’re not writing a book. You only want to write action that the audience can see and dialogue. Everything else is unnecessary.

(Pages 26-29)
INT. CASINO

Martin is sitting at a poker table with nine other POKER PLAYERS and a
DEALER.

The dealer deals two cards to everyone.

PLAYER #3
I fold.

PLAYER #4 throws his cards into the muck.

PLAYER #5
Fold.

PLAYER #6
Make it forty dollars.

DEALER
Forty dollars to play.

PLAYER #7 gives his cards back to the dealer.

PLAYER #8 is getting a cocktail from the waitress.

DEALER
Sir, it’s forty dollars to stay in.

PLAYER #8
Oh, I’m sorry.

He turns to his cards and looks down at them. He pushes his cards into the muck.

PLAYER #9
I call.

DEALER
We have one caller.

Martin looks down at his cards and see two kings. He calculates before he acts.

MARTIN
I raise. Make it two-forty.

DEALER
Another raise. It’s now two hundred and forty dollars to stay in.

PLAYER #1 folds.

PLAYER #2 folds.

Player #6 hesitates for several seconds before announcing…

PLAYER #6
I call.

DEALER
One caller.

PLAYER #9
How much is in the pot?

DEALER
I’m sorry sir, I’m not allowed to count it for you.

PLAYER #9
Two-forty, two-forty, four-eighty plus fifty-five is five-thirty. Eh, it’s almost three to one. I call.

DEALER
We have two callers.

The Dealer scoops all the chips into one big pot. He burns a card and turns over three cards on the center of the table.

King, king, ace.

PLAYER #3
Wow, what a flop.

Again, Player #6 hesitates before he acts.

PLAYER #6
I bet three hundred and fifty.

He stacks up the chips in front of him and pushes them forward.

PLAYER #9
That’s an easy fold for me.

He mucks his cards.

Martin plays with his chips as he calculates for several seconds.

MARTIN
I call.

Martin counts his chips and pushes them forward.

The Dealer collects all the chips and puts them into the pot. He burns a card and turns one to the center of the table.

Two.

Player #6 takes his time before he taps the table indicating a check.
Martin takes his time as well.

MARTIN
I’m going to bet.

Martin starts counting chips.

DEALER
Player has announced a raise.

MARTIN
Fourteen hundred dollars.

DEALER
Player has announced a raise of fourteen hundred dollars.

Player #6 looks visibly shaken. He leans back into his chair and crosses his arms. He waits a couple of minutes before announcing…

PLAYER #6
I call.

There’s a quiet murmur from the other players and everyone is leaning forward in their chairs.

DEALER
Player calls.

Player #6 counts his money and puts them forward.

The Dealer collects them and puts them into the pot.

The Dealer burns a card and turns the river to the center of the table.

Ace.

There’s another collective moan from the table.

PLAYER #3
That’s unbelievable.

Player #6 hesitates, but it’s shorter than the other times, before he announces…

PLAYER #6
I’m all in.

Martin stands and quickly shouts…

MARTIN
I call!

Player #6 turns over a pocket pair of aces.

Pages twenty-two through twenty-five.

I’ll admit, this is my favorite scene. Yes, I’m a pervert. Researching the items for Sophia’s costume was a lot of fun. I would post a picture of what I have in mind, but I can’t on my iPad. So how about a link (sans whip) instead?

A lot of thanks goes to my writing group for making this a better scene than the original. Maybe someday I’ll post it.

(pages 22-25)
INT. PERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

A loft apartment with a wide open space and very few items in it.

Perry opens a jar containing blocks of feta cheese, soaking in brine, and pulls out a chunk of feta. He places it on a plate. He closes the jar and puts it back into the fridge.

PERRY (V.O.)
I had a little feta…

Perry slices a small sliver of feta and eats it. He then opens a loaf of french bread and rips it apart and places it on the plate next to the feta.

PERRY (V.O.)
…a little french bread..

Perry grabs a bottle of wine and a wine glass. He uses a wine opener to open the wine and pours a generous portion.

PERRY (V.O.)
…a little wine…

Perry grabs the glass of wine, takes a drink and walks over to his stereo. He plays a CD of Greek music.

PERRY (V.O.)
…and listened to a little bit of Greek music.

Perry sits in a chair and listens to the music.

The doorbell rings.

Perry opens it.

SOPHIA, 20/30s, gorgeous woman, stands there with an extra-large purse around her shoulder.

SOPHIA
Hey, Perry!

PERRY
Hey, baby. Come in, come in.

Sophia walks in and her and Perry kiss each other on each cheek.

SOPHIA
How have you been?

PERRY
Can’t complain. You want some wine?

SOPHIA
Sure.

PERRY
Red fine?

SOPHIA
Red’s my favorite. I’m going to make myself a little more comfortable.

PERRY
Please do.

Sophia enters the bathroom.

Perry pours her a glass of wine. He takes it to the bathroom door and knocks on it.

PERRY
Your wine.

A hand emerges from the bathroom to take the glass.

SOPHIA (O.S.)
Thanks, sweetie.

She closes the door.

Perry has a seat on a bar stool at the kitchen counter. He then eats some of the feta and french bread while he finishes off his glass of wine. He pours himself another glass.

Sophia exits the bathroom holding a whip and wearing a red leather bustier, black satin opera gloves, black garter belt, thigh high fish net panty hose and high heels.

She cracks the whip.

SOPHIA
So who’s been a naughty boy?

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM

HUSBAND and WIFE, 50s, are laying in bed watching T.V.

The noise of screams, moaning, sex and whips is coming from the ceiling above interrupting their T.V. watching.

HUSBAND
God damn it! How many times do I have to tell this asshole to be quiet? What time is it?

WIFE
Eleven-thirty.

Husband gets out of bed and puts on his robe and slippers.

WIFE
Where are you going?

HUSBAND
I’m going to go have a talk with him. This is ridiculous.

WIFE
Just give him a call. He always turns it down after you call him.

HUSBAND
I call him all the time. It’s time a put a little scare into him.

Husband exits.

WIFE
Scare? That’ll be the day.

INT. ELEVATOR

Husband is riding up the elevator. It stops and he exits.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Husband walks down the hallway and arrives and Perry’s apartment. He knocks loudly.

HUSBAND
Damn it, Perry, I can hear your T.V. downstairs again! How many times do I…

The door opens, interrupting the husband.

Sophia stands there with some of her costume still on. She has the whip in her hand, but her bustier is missing exposing her breasts. She’s also wearing a strap-on.

Perry is behind her tied to a contraption, naked, with a gag in his mouth.

SOPHIA
You were saying?

HUSBAND
I…uh….I…um…I,I,I um…I’m sorry.

Sophia slams the door in his face.

INT. RESTAURANT

Perry and Martin are at the restaurant.

PERRY
I just stayed at home and relaxed.

Perry takes a sip of his coffee.

PERRY
So what did you do?

MARTIN
Oh, you know, the usual.

CUT TO:

Page twenty-one.

I sometimes get asked what program I write my scripts with and the answer is Celtx. It has all the features I need and best of all, it’s free. When I started, I used Final Draft, which, to me, is expensive at $250. It’s been a long time since I’ve used it, but I don’t remember it being much different from the free Celtx. Final Cut does offer a free demo. I should take a look and see if it’s $250 better than Celtx. Somehow, I doubt it.

Now on to the screenplay…

I thought I had the next ten pages written, but when I went back to get my old script, the scenes weren’t at all what I thought they were. Somewhere along the line, I must have synced an old Celtx script over a new one. Celtx offers you the chance to go back and look at all your revisions, but I’m just going to move forward. I have the best elements still in my head so I’m sure recreating them will be easy. Besides, they weren’t perfect anyways. If I were at home on my pc instead of writing on my iPad, I’d probably go back and look for the revisions, but it’s no big deal.

(Page 21)
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Martin hands the register drawer to the CASHIER, 20s, female.

MARTIN
Have you seen Perry?

CASHIER
He’s upstairs.

MARTIN
Thank you.

Martin ascends the stairs to the second level in the tri-level restaurant.

Perry is sitting at a two chair table, sipping soup, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper.

Martin walks over and has a seat.

MARTIN
Hey, Perry, whatchya readin’?

PERRY
(in a thick Greek accent)
You know, the usual, murders, rapes, babies in trash.

MARTIN
At least we have our politicians to make us feel better.

PERRY
HA!

A WAITER, 20s, male, walks over.

MARTIN
Give me an espresso please. So, what did you do last night?

CUT TO:

INT. PERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Page twenty.

Today was a struggle. I just stared a blank page for several hours while I watched Bonanza. Bonanza is such a great show.

I know where I want to go, I’m just struggling to get there. My first plot point is another phone call to Sam, but I wanted it to start on or near page 30.

I don’t mind when creative rules are broken, but Syd Field has it locked down with his formulas for writing a screenplay. I don’t think it’s wise to re-write the book on how to write a script unless you’re pretty confident on what works. I’m not, so I’ll stick to the formula and hit my plot points on page 30 and 60. Thank you very much.

If you’re interested in writing a screenplay, I highly recommend Syd Field’s book.

(page 20)
INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE

Sam is looking over a spreadsheet and typing numbers into a typewriter that spits out a receipt. He pulls the receipt out and puts it on a stack of cash. He takes a rubber band and wraps it around the money.

Martin walks in.

Sam looks up and then goes about what he was doing. He spins in his chair and puts the money into a mid-size safe. He closes the safe and spins the wheel to lock it.

JIMMY
Did you take care of the girl?

MARTIN
Yeah, she’s fine.

JIMMY
Fucking, Dino. I wonder what he’s gotten himself into? How’s the girl?

MARTIN
She’s a real looker, boss. Stunning.

JIMMY
Oh yeah? Is she worth your life?

MARTIN
No piece of ass is worth that.

JIMMY
So many dumb people walking around. No wonder this country is going to shit. Here’s the register.

Martin picks up the cash drawer for the register and leaves the office.

Pages eighteen and nineteen.

Boy, the internet is amazing. You would never believe how many words and phrases I have to look up to make sure I’m spelling or quoting them right. A quick Google search and voilà! Even wordpress’s proofread ability saves my ass. I have no idea why so many people misspell simple words on Facebook. Doesn’t every browser have an automatic spellcheck? I’m sure I’m guilty of using the wrong words, such as to, too or then, than or its, it’s, but poor spelling is prevalent online and should it be? I feel sorry for teachers.

Anyways, it’s nice being so many pages ahead of schedule. I admit, if you stick to a routine and know you have to write, it comes out easier. I was in a writing group and we had to have ten pages every three weeks. I’m pretty sure all of us wrote the ten pages the day before or the day of and, because of the stop-start writing process, only one of us actually finished a script (and we were able to turn it into the feature film, Hellphone! Check it out here or better yet, buy it here). So having to feed this blog everyday has definitely helped me be more productive. We’ll worry about the quality later.

(pages 18 & 19)
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – AFTERNOON

Martin walks down the hall of an apartment complex.

Martin arrives at an apartment and rings the doorbell.

SHERRY, 20s, a very attractive female, opens the door as far the chain lock lets her. She peeks from behind the door.

SHERRY
What the hell do you want?

MARTIN
Ah, good. You do remember me. Dino wanted me to pick you up.

SHERRY
You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m going anywhere with you.

MARTIN
Don’t worry. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

SHERRY
Let me get my things.

Sherry closes the door. Martin puts his ear to the door to try to listen in.

INT. SHERRY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Sherry picks up the phone and dials 911. She walks into the kitchen and takes out a chef’s knife.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Nine-one-one, what’s the emergency?

SHERRY
(whispering)
Yeah, hi police? I have an intruder at my apartment.

OPERATOR (O.S)
Are you at the East English Apartments, apartment number two twenty-seven?

SHERRY
Yes, Ma’am.

Martin kicks the door in with one swift kick.

SHERRY
Oh, God, he just kicked the door in! Please hurry!

Sherry drops the phone.

SHERRY
Stay away from me! I’ll cut you. I don’t care.

Martin continues to casually walk towards her.

MARTIN
Why do you have to make this more difficult than it needs to be? We have no interest in hurting you. We’re only protecting our investment.

Sherry takes the knife and quickly lunges at Martin. Martin swiftly grabs the knife hand, twists her arm behind her and forces her to drop the knife. He then puts her into a headlock until she passes out.

Martin slings Sherry over his shoulder and walks out of the apartment.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Martin whistles as he carries Sherry down the hallway and to the elevator. He pushes the down button. There is no one around. The elevator door opens and he enters.

INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

Martin whistles while the elevator descends from the twenty-second floor.

INT. APARTMENT FOYER – CONTINUOUS

Two POLICE OFFICERS enter one of the elevators just as the other elevator opens up for Martin and Sherry. The Officers never see him as he walks out of the apartment complex whistling.

Pages fifteen, sixteen and seventeen.

The Vegas over-under line of rewrites for this script is thirteen. I’m taking the over.

There’s nothing original here and all the characters are clichés so far. Basically, I’m using a gimmick at the conclusion to help separate it from other movies, but will anyone care by then? Since I won’t have the budget to use action scenes to make this script different from others, I’ll have to develop all the main characters and make them original and interesting, so that people fall in love with them, to make this a good script.

Also, I’ve resigned to the fact that I don’t have enough material to get to ninety, so Dino is a character that I’m adding. I killed him quickly in early drafts of mine, but I’m going to add him to the plot line somehow.

For those that are actually following along, I’m not trying make a mobster movie, it just appears that way so far. If I were to pick a movie that I was fashioning this upon, it would be Scott Frank’s The Lookout. It’s a solid action drama with some great interesting characters and terrific acting. I’d love for this to be that good.

(Pages 15, 16 & 17)
INT. DINO’S HOUSE

A nice modest house. Very clean and neat.

Dino walks in the front door.

DINO
Liz? LIZ?

LIZ
What? I’m in the kitchen.

Dino walks into the kitchen.

LIZ, 40s, very attractive, is sitting at the kitchen table with a half drunk bottle of liquor and a half empty glass in her hand. Her mascara has run down her face from her crying.

Dino leans against the kitchen wall.

DINO
I’m sorry, babe.

LIZ
Yeah, we’re all sorry after the fact.

DINO
I never meant to hurt you.

LIZ
How the fuck is sticking your dick in another bitch not supposed to hurt me?

There’s a several second pause.

Dino sits down at the table next to Liz.

DINO
I’m in the worst kind of trouble and I don’t know what to do and I know I don’t deserve it, but I need your strength to help me make it through.

LIZ
I don’t have enough strength to help the kind of trouble you’re in, Dino.

DINO
You know?

LIZ
Yeah. Jimmy’s goons were here. What did you do?

DINO
I borrowed some money and I can’t afford to pay it back.

LIZ
How much?

Dino just sits there, not wanting to answer.

LIZ
How much, Dino!?

DINO
A hundred grand.

LIZ
A hundred grand? A hundred grand?

Liz gets out of her chair and starts pacing around the kitchen with her half drink in her hand.

LIZ
A hundred fucking grand, Dino!? What the fuck do you need a hundred grand for? Where’s the money? What did you spend it on?

DINO
It’s gone, Liz. Does it really matter where I spent it.

LIZ
Yeah, it matters. Where is it?

DINO
I bought a house.

LIZ
A house? How the fuck do you buy a house without my signature?

DINO
It’s not in my name. It’s in hers.

LIZ
What? You gave some whore a hundred thousand dollar house? Get the fuck out.

DINO
Liz…

LIZ
I don’t believe you, I can’t trust you, I’m physically sick to my stomach now. I just want you to get the fuck out of here and I never want to see you again.

DINO
Please don’t do this to me, Liz. I need you.

LIZ
You don’t need shit but to get out of my house you fucking bastard!

Liz throws the rest of her drink in Dino’s face then throws the glass at him. It bounces off him and on to the floor. She starts smacking and pushing him.

LIZ
Get the fuck out! Get out! I hate you, motherfucker! I hate you! Get out!

Liz pushes Dino to the ground and has to fight to get up. Liz pushes him all the way to the front door.

LIZ
Get out, Dino, and I never want to see you again.

Dino manages to open the front door and steps out. He turns around.

DINO
I love you, Liz. I’m…

Liz slams the door on him.

Page fourteen

I’m starting to get nervous. Just looking ahead, I’m thinking this is a fifty page script at best. Obviously this isn’t good enough for a feature-length film and I don’t want to add filler just to get to my ninety pages. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. For now, I’ll just worry about getting what I have in my head down on paper.

(page 14)
INT. BAR

A small quaint pub with a long bar and only a few tables with chairs.
The bar’s tinted windows are keeping the bar dark.

The bartender JOEY, 50s, is drying glasses when Sam enters.

JOEY
Hey, Sammy.

The bartender doesn’t even ask what Sam wants to drink. He just starts pouring him a scotch on the rocks and a glass of ice water. He puts both glasses on napkins at the bar.

Sam walks over to the drinks and has a seat.

JOEY
Damn, what happened to you?

SAM
What?

JOEY
You’re clothes. You’re covered in mud.

SAM
Oh, yeah. I fell.

JOEY
I have to run to the back and stock up. Just holler if you need a refill.

SAM
(mumbling to himself)
Refill.

Sam picks up the shot glass and smells it. He puts the glass back down.

Sam starts rubbing his wedding ring and takes a look at it.

SAM
Ah, Claire, you never should have left me. I don’t know what to do without you. It’s all gone to hell since you left.

Sam removes his wedding ring. He drops it in the scotch.

Sam starts drinking the ice water. The bartender comes from the back.

SAM
Hey, Joey, take away the scotch. I’m done drinking.